Balancing your life and setting priorities can be difficult enough under normal circumstances. What happens when a mismatch develops between one or more aspects of your life?
This can occur when you become a Christian while a close family member does not become a believer. Right away, this creates discord, forcing you to choose between two areas (spiritual and personal/family). Biblically, God should always win out (the disciples left their families and their careers as fishermen to follow Jesus). But, realistically, we need a way to reconcile this pull in opposite directions.
The conflict becomes particularly complicated if the unbelieving family member is your spouse.
For Christian husbands, trying to take on the role of spiritual leader can be challenging when your wife is not saved. She may resist your attempts to bring the family together in prayer or worship, or she may misunderstand your spiritual guidance (as dictated by Scripture) as trying to control her.
For Christian wives, trying to follow your husband's guidance creates conflict, especially when his decisions are unbiblical. God tells you to love, honor, and obey your husband. What do you do when his leadership threatens to lead you astray?
God tells us not to leave an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Divorce is clearly not biblical, and you obviously love your husband or wife (the qualities that led you to marry this person remain, even if some of your values have changed since you've become a Christian). Even further, God may have placed you in this situation to help your spouse come to Christ.
What, then, are you to do? How do you walk the line between two worlds?
The answer is that you cannot. You need to commit fully to God first -- then work on your marriage. You need to pray for your spouse, for God to work in him or her. But you cannot wait, never accomplishing anything for God's glory, until your loved one comes to Christ. You have no idea what God's plan is, how long He may make your spouse wait, or for what reason. Do you really want to halt God's plan for you to wait for Him to work in your husband or wife?
No matter what is going on in your marriage, you need to put God first. You need to accomplish the tasks God has called you to complete. Sadly, at times, this could mean distancing yourself from your spouse (as a form of spiritual self-preservation). Otherwise, you could get pulled into a worldly lifestyle and stop following the goals God has asked you to pursue in life.
In Old Testament times, God literally commanded his people not to associate with certain ungodly peoples. In New Testament times, Jesus literally asked some of his followers to leave their families. This command was not to be cruel; it was because God knew His disciples could not accomplish His will as long as they remained influenced by the world. He knew (as we know today) that what you spend your time on and who you spend your time with becomes your focus. He knows that any focus other than God divides your attention (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
God wants your focus to be on Him first! Once you place your focus on Him and hold steadfast in your path, then you can walk that path with other people.
So, what do you do once you have placed your focus on God? How, then, do you work on your marriage? How do you relate to a spouse with such disparate beliefs from your own?
The number one way to relate is with love! Always think of what God would want you to do or say in every situation, and consider your spouse's feelings. Putting others first is the Godly way, and we should do the same with our spouses (even though that is often extremely difficult).
With love driving all actions, some practical tips you can try include:
1. Setting boundaries of respect (going both ways).
Your spouse should respect your prayer and worship time. If not, you need to speak with him about this in a loving way. On the other hand, you need to respect your spouse's choice and not try to convert him at every moment. Allow God to work in your spouse, and show him how God works through you. Stop trying to force God upon your loved one; instead, allow him to proceed at his own pace in God's time.
2. Setting a Christian example.
As a Christian, you need to work on our own spiritual journey and let your spouse see that (rather than always trying to work on him). Instead of constantly trying to get your spouse to follow you, you need join a good church with loving people who support you. Your spouse will see how those relationships sustain you, and he will also want that same kind of support and unconditional love. Your spouse will also see how you treat him in all situations and will realize that the love coming from you is God's love.
3. Trying to include your spouse and other family members in safe ways.
Your spouse may not want to attend church, but maybe he would be open to praying at home occasionally, saying grace before meals, watching Christian television programs, listening to Gospel music, or reading inspirational books. You can also still pray and worship with your children, teaching them God's ways, even if one spouse holds different beliefs.
4. Being the first to reconcile during times of conflict.
The Christian thing is for the believing spouse to take the first step toward improving any issues in the marital relationship. It is difficult, though, because we are all human, and even Christians can feel resentful over always being the one to "give in" (even if that is often the way it is supposed to be). In an argument, try to see the other's point of view, and respond in a loving way, not a confrontational or defensive way.
5. Having fun in your marriage.
Just because you differ in your spiritual beliefs does not mean you can't still have fun together as husband and wife. There are many activities you can share that will help you grow closer while not compromising your values. Go to the movies, attend a baseball game, go horseback riding. If your spouse has hobbies you believe are unbiblical, don't try to preach at him about it. Simply quietly and firmly refuse to participate and allow him to go on his way while you do something that does fit your values -- or you can use that time to pray for your spouse.
6. Not casting blame (on yourself, on your spouse, or on God).
God has reasons for not bringing your spouse to Him yet. You must trust in God's timing, not grow angry with God for not yet saving your spouse. You also must not blame your spouse for not opening his eyes sooner or yourself for not being able to convert him. It is not your responsibility; it is God's. You can merely set a good example and love the person.
These same steps can also be applied when the unbelieving family member is someone other than your spouse (with variations based on the relationship and age of the person). There are also many more actions you can take and advice that can be found. The ideas here are not comprehensive, but they are guided by love and respect.
As long as your actions are guided by love -- in both God and the people around you, as Jesus tells us are the two greatest commandments (Matthew 22:36-40, Mark 12:29-31, Luke 10:25-37) -- then you will do the right thing. And, when you do make mistakes, as everyone does, then try again.
Allow yourself to be guided by love and by God, and your relationships with loved ones will be positive -- even when looking at life through different spiritual lenses. Even further, your loving example may help soften your loved one to God's message of salvation and everlasting life.
Copyright 2007 Christina M. Downs
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